TITLE: Vacation In Reno

Author: Jethro

Date Submitted: May 17, 2001

Vacation in Reno by Jethro Well Ma had been mentioning to me that it'd sure be nice to go on a vacation. Hadn't been on one since the honeymoon, when we took the tent out. So's I get this bright idea of goin' and listening to a time share condo sales pitch for a free trip. All you have to do is go through a one hour session with a salesman, who applies more pressure than the depths of the Pacific on a mollusk without his shell , and make sure you keep saying no. Well I don't know what time system they use, but one hour to them equated to 3 by my perception of the shadows of the sun. When the guy called in his boss, and he asks me, "What would it take for you to buy in?", I tell him if he paid me in cash, three times his askin' price, I'd accept the offer, but my pocket book keeps sayin' no. He then has his bouncer friends encourage me from the premises. I still don't know what they meant by the phrase "Goin' down fer a permanent dirt nap". And I assured them that I ain't never been to no Illinois corn field on the outskirts of Chicago before, and that if they was short a bag of lime, I had extra back at the house. Well the only destination that included free airfare was Reno, so Reno it was. Course when I told Ma about it, I told her I picked Reno, cause of it's locality with Lake Tahoe and Virginia City, and the excellent buffet dinners at the Eldorado, along with the pure rippling water of the Truckee River. Course I ain't never heard of the place they set us up with, though I was guessin' it might not be on the main drag. . Well when we're at the airport, I volunteer us to get "bumped" to a later flight, to try and get some free airline tickets to use later. You know me, always thinkin'. Well as luck would have it, the flight wasn't over booked, so we didn't get the free tickets, but they had given up our seats, and all they had left was two first class seats. Well I told Ma that I special ordered first class, just fer her, nothin' was too good for my Lady. Now when I found out that in first class the drinks were free, I changed my order from ice water to the best single malt Scotch ya got, a double, on the rocks with a little splash of branch water. Keep 'em coming every two minutes, and when I pass out make it every three minutes. Well as we were sittin' on the tarmac, the flight deck door was open, and I could over hear the pilots. This was the first time the two had flown together, and they was talkin' 'bout how each of them flew. I heard one of 'em say, "I fly by the book, it may not always be right, but it ain't never wrong". It turned out that the captain was a Yankee, and the copilot was a Southerner. So I'm tryin' to remember the tune to " The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "Dixie" and I get this bright idea, and call in there, that on that hill in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania there was a sign that read "The discharge of firearms is strictly prohibited" and I mentioned that it was too bad that ole Bobby Lee couldn't read a little better, might have saved some lives. Well you can imagine how this went over with the co-pilot, as the flight deck door was slammed shut, I figured I'd best just lay low and don't open any old wounds. Good thing Ma had went into the lavatory. Well at the airport we get on the first Hotel shuttle we see, wasn't for our motel, but I figured it must be in the vicinity. I talked the driver into lettin' us off at the Harrah's Auto Museum, when he held out his hand once we were there, I set my chewing gum in it, people sure are nice in Reno. Well the museum stay was short lived, after I asked where the '61 - '71 Dodge pickup section was, and was told that those weren't considered classics, I gave them a piece of my mind. Well it was Wednesday evening, and I told Ma that I'd take her out to a real nice dinner. So we were at the A&W there orderin' up some Papa burgers with all the trimmin's and all these hot rods start showin' up. So I start tellin' these Shevee guys about how the four bolt mains are actually weaker, and that a two bolt main setup with two dowel pins per main was a much stronger setup, and that a 318 will walk all over a 327. Well my welcome there was wearin' out in a hurry, so's we decided to go back to the motel. So once there, I was lookin' through the yellow pages and saw an advertisement for some sort of horse ranch. I mentioned it to Ma, and she informed me, that Lorraina Bobbit is going to look like a Saint compared to her, if I even think about fraternizing at a certain "horse ranch" around these parts. Well, SORRY, I didn't realize she had such a disdain for horses! Well, the next day we go to Virginia City, and I'm getting' my kicks lookin' at all the old tombstones there in the cemetery. There weren't no bathrooms there at the graveyard, and when nature calls, boy she does call. How was I ta know that the residents there go back a few generations, and they're still pretty good with those old Colt hoglegs. Well I ain't ran a mile that quick since I was a kid chasin' Mary Lou from the swimmin' hole on that little skinny dippin' episode, anyways that's another story. So then I figure, what could go wrong at Lake Tahoe? So me an the Missus are on this here tour bus goin' round the lake, when I ask the bus driver where the house was that the CIA video cams caught ole JFK in the closet with that rainbow of young damsels, as he slams on the brakes and orders me off. I try to tell him, I'm a registered Democrat, to no avail. So I say, " I guess it would be out of the question to inquire where Sam Giacona had those wise guys whacked at Franks lake house then?" Some people are just so touchy. So we're back walking the main drag of Reno and some Leprechaun is trying to entice me to go gambling in this casino. I tell him with my luck, I better stick ta workin' for a livin', but I will rub the rock for good luck. Well I finally see a sweptline, roaring down the avenue, short box, flat red, lifted W100, with a healthy soundin' engine. I give him the "thumbs up" but mistep and stumble a little. He says ta me, 'You just kinda blunder through life, don't ya fella'?" So I tell him, "You don't know how right you are fella', and make sure you come to Camp Dodge!!